Follow up to hearts and flowers

As I sit here on this cold, beautiful snow covered morning, I realize how blessed I am.  My 4 year old and husband are cuddling on the floor, twins are still sleeping. I thought this was the perfect time to do a follow up on my last post regarding parenting.
First off, I was surprised at how many e-mails, facebook comments etc I got after that post.  I realize that there is a downside to being overly honest, but I believe there is also an upside.  I am glad I wrote that last post, because it worked as therapy for me.  I also got some great feedback from other moms that I truly appreciated! We are not in this alone.  Quite often I take it on all by myself and don't want to 'vent' to others.  However, once in awhile it is necessary. 
The biggest response I got, was to have faith.  I must admit, my faith has been weak now for a couple years, with financial issues, family health issues, work issues, etc.  However, I always thank the Lord for everything that I have.
So, the question lies for me still: why do I get so angry, frustrated, hopeless, and straight crazy?  Well, life in general can make you that way sometimes, but after sitting down with my husband friday night and having a discussion (which we have not done in forever, and that is part of the problem!) we both realized some things. Now, to give you some background first, my husband is the most patient, supportive, understanding man I have ever met.  Yes, his domestic abilities are not that of my own, but if thats the only complaint, I think you get my drift. 
Well, he worries about my health all the time with me being a Type 1 diabetic. He also tracks my moods- literally, on his calendar has been tracking my pms since the twins were born.  It seemed to instantly get worse after the babies, so my Dr. prescribed meds for PMDD. 
I am NOT a pill taker.  Not good at it, never have been, doubt I ever will be. So I am not consistent.
Anyway, he sat me down and told me how worried he was.  We then determined that this "Crazy, anger infused" spiral I fall into happens like clockwork.  Each month.
I ask this: How, HOW can PMS alone make you want to throw yourself in the car and drive far away from everything you love? Well, I am beginning to think it can. I recently (December) got the Novasure procedure to reduce my periods as they too got worse after kids.  The Dr. said that people sometimes show a reduction in PMS symptoms, but that is not a guarantee. Well, I guess I was hoping for a miracle there. 
So knowing this now, we are going to take some preventative steps...exercise, low sugar low caffeine diet, sleep (I go to the basement, he takes care of kids) and now the addition of b12 patches, to see how things go. I did some research and show many symptoms of b12 deficiency. I have taken it in pill form before, but as you read above, not so good in the pill taking department.
I will have to keep you all updated on how that works- I would also love it if you could share with me any of your pms reducing tricks.
Ironically I woke up Friday morning, feeling great and like a completely different person than the day before.  Crazy isn't it?  Scary too. Yes, my kids drive me crazy, they wear me out and I am constantly exhausted.  But I look at them and I feel so much love it is overwhelming. So how did I feel the way I did just a few days prior?
Feeling guilty for the way I acted, I told my son I was so sorry.  Sorry mommy acted the way she did and lost her temper so often. Sorry I didn't play with him.  I told him I would try harder.  I told him I loved him no matter what.  He replied "I know that mommy, I always know that."
Well then, I guess I'm doing something right.

Warning: this is not a "hearts and flowers" post about being a parent

I have hesitated blogging much this week- this has not been one of my "best times in life" lately. I am at one of those points in my life where I am just sick and tired. Maybe it's partially winter blues, maybe It's PMS, whatever it is, I am tired of it. I'm angry, short tempered, frustrated with most things (especially my children and husband) and feeling hopeless. That was partially why I started this blog and am attempting to create a small home based business where I can feel creative again. However, this week I had no motivation and literally felt like I was going to break. I would have preferred to be anywhere but with my family this week. That sounds horrible, and if you've never felt this way, you are a lucky individual. My oldest is trying my patience like no one else. Wetting his pants, not listening, doing the absolute opposite of everything I say to the point where he's just doing stupid things. Spilling food all over the house, plugging bathroom sinks and running water over, swearing (my fault no doubt!!). Again he is sick and not sleeping, the twins either. The twins are fighting constantly. Biting, hitting, pulling hair. Everett is starting his terrible 2 fits a little early, and Tagger is either hanging on my legs screaming or pulling stuff off counters- knives, food, coffee (thank the Lord I have caught most of it before getting it to the edge). Then the new thing is to drink from their sippys and spit it all over. Doesn't matter what's in it. Puddles on the carpet, wood floor, ottoman... Anyway, I felt like I was gonna go off the deep end. I did not enjoy being a parent. I wanted to call somebody to come over and then leave, with no eta to be back. I Locked myself in my bedroom on Monday at least 6 times, and threw something against the wall breaking some wood letters I had hanging. Seriously, scared myself a bit. I wondered what would happen if i decided i didnt want to be a parent and this feeling stuck? Finally, after not speaking with my husband for 3 nights, I asked him to come home early yesterday. He was home by 5:30- I went straight to the bedroom with wine I made him bring home. He fed the kids, bathed the twins, put everyone to bed. I passed out by 8:30 I believe after crying for about 2 hours. Actually was a relief to have him there so I could just sob. Got up this morning at 4:30 to a sick crying twin, and shortly after my oldest was up too. Husband left for work and I got on my workout clothes. When I came out the kitchen was clean. That never happens. Only on my watch. So while I was working out, I thought I felt pretty good today and did not dread the day with my kids. I got some rest and some help. That is when I realized, I need to be selfish. I've felt so bad about doing it, I've actually dug myself into a deep hole and instead of helping, I am hurting my kids. We are not a happy home right now, and that is a very sad thing. There is lots of work to be done; between my husband and I and his work, between my oldest and I and our need to respect each other, between my 3 boys and their need to coincide, but most importantly between me, myself and I. I have always had trouble asking for help- I mean, I'm not weak!!! Why would i need to? Well, I will tell you 4 big reasons why I need to be more selfish, and they are my "boys". I don't enjoy being so angry with my kids, and wanting to escape because I cannot stand the situation I am in. I rather enjoy feeling good and wanting to make my family life better. To do this, I must start with me. My kids are still gonna drive me crazy. Seriously it's exhausting and I sometimes want to say "what the hell is wrong with your head?!" but I really try not to ;-) No matter what, I still turn to my boys and say "no matter what you do, or how mad I get, I love you, and always will". I guess that's a start...

Back from Chi-town baby!

Wow!  Sorry for the long delay, but I am back from Chicago, and (somewhat) able to function.  As I sit and type, the twins scream back and forth hitting each other with toys and my 4 year old continues to race cars across the kitchen counter yelling "watch me, watch the race, mom, watch, mom, we are waiting for you to watch, mom..." and on and on.

It was a nice break though!  We had so much fun.  We relaxed, we ate, we drank, we relaxed some more, we shopped, we laughed until we almost peed our pants.  Ok, well there may have been a little of that too, but I digress.
We shopped Michigan Ave for just a bit, and I was totally inspired by one store there- It's called All Saints and if you haven't seen this place, it is awesome.  Vintage, industrial, gor-GEOUS. The clothes are super pricey, but great to touch and feel, however the actual store itself is the draw.  When you walk up the entire front of the building is old singer sewing machines (and probably other brands, didnt look closely because I was in awe). When you enter, they literally are shelved up to the ceiling on wood, with this great white washed brick everywhere.

Inside, you find all types of industrial equipment, raw wood, crating, printing presses etc that are used as the display, and even jewelry made from nuts and bolts (trust me, lots of inspiration and lots of ideas going through my noggin!).  Even just photographing the way the clothes were laid out made for a beautiful shot.

So anyway, just awesome if you are going that way and want to see the amazing thought (and $$) that went into this place.

Then, we visited Lush.  Which I now do not have close access to; the only 2 Lush stores in Michigan are on the East side of the state. Anyway, this was in the Old Town district, around some other cute boutiques etc. This happens to be one of my cousins favorite stores and one of her music students works there now, so we surprised her. I am not sure how long we were there, but these girls were so fun, we tried just about everything they have!  Loved it. Bought me some goodies even! (Considered quite a splurge for me).



All natural stuff- and it smells and feels heavenly.  If you have never been, and live near or have access to one of these stores, you should try it! www.lushusa.com

We then proceeded to go get massages, which we were all extremely happy with.  Of course every time I get one (not often!) I think how great it would be if that could be a monthly thing.  I think it is so good for the body and mind.  Really, I am sure I could do without some other things to equal one a month??  Time to look at the budget.

Now, I'm back.  I'm detoxing, totaling up the money spent (oy!) but don't even care.  It was well worth it.

Ever come back from a weekend away though, and instead of being relaxed, you are even more uptight with life in general?  The reality of it? Well, I'm going to save that for tomorrow's post.  Maybe my perspective will improve more with another day.... ;-)



2 table reveals! Woo hoo

So I am super fired up! Tomorrow at the crack of dawn my sister and I get on the train to Chicago for the weekend, to meet our cousin we never see. It started months back as a "we should take a trip" and meet for my sisters birthday. She's had a rough few years now battling ovarian cancer, so she wants todo something fun...and I don't know that she and I have ever actually taken a trip together without the folks...crazy! So needless to say I have been trying to wrap up some things (including laundry- mine is always last) before I go...and I am super duper excited to say, I finished 2 tables to reveal before I go! Both of these tables got a makeover, one I am especially in LUV with, I would marry it for crying out loud. The second I wasn't so sure about, but now that it's done, I luv it too! So happy.
Anywhoo, they will both be up for sale on my Etsy site once it launches (which I am shooting for end of next week!).
First up- the coffee table. I saw this baby and fell in love. The potential was great- I mean it was beautiful without anything on it!

Then I decided I wanted it to follow a vintage feel but have some color. I chalk painted the legs in a red, border in a graphite, but the left the top raw because it had a sweet pattern. However, added some more interest with some stenciling. Distress distress... Then I dark waxed the entire thing, and finished the top off with another 2 coats of clear Annie sloan wax, to hold up to the elements!

Did I mention I love this??! Photos don't do it justice- I need some photography lessons ASAP....


Next up, a step up end table. Didn't get quite enough photos of process, but you'll get the jist of it. black, modern smooth finish, but it needed something more. I love modern no 20 font, so I decided to follow the theme but use "2", as in one person on each side sipping coffee, or wine- either is a fave!
 

Once I got that on, I wanted to do a design...well, I followed the crowd and used a Chevron- not typical of me but I felt it fit the piece. I created a stencil using a printout ( reference) and then cut the chevrons.
Then i took the stencil and traced it with pencil, followed the pencil line with painters tape (frog tape is THE BEST btw) and then painted.

 Did 2 lines of it and felt that was good. I used old white chalk paint, distressed a bit, and then dark and clear waxed them to give them a beige feel to match the vinyl, but also give a textured finish, a bit like linen... So thats that!

Thoughts? Comments? Comments would be good here....hopefully not cyber crickets ;-) Now I feel good about heading out for a weekend, not listening to children scream, whine,cry, bite each other, throw food, fall off furniture...I could go on and on. I will try to do one update on the road, but you may not hear from me until Monday. Enjoy the weekend folks! I know I will!!

Key to happiness? I have so many keys on my chain I'm not sure which goes to what anymore...

Happy day folks! I think....I'm trying to make it that way anyway.
Being a SAHM is not what I expected to be doing- thus this blog, my need to be creative, etc etc.  Before having twins, I worked. I worked for the 'man', for corporate, and even for myself!  However, working 'for' kids, well it is the most challenging.  I know, I am summing up that "Parenting is the hardest job you will ever have" but I have to admit, not for the reasons I thought. 
Yes, I run all day- ALL DAY.  Constantly catching kids, pulling them out of harms way, picking up stuff, doing laundry (and the pile always remains the same size??), changing diapers, trying to teach life lessons (sometimes at a very loud level) and trying to keep them safe.  What I did not bargain for, was the constant worry.  Worry about their safely, worry about what they are learning from those around them, worrying they may end up like me, worrying that I am parenting wrong. 
I keep coming back to the same conclusion.  It's me.  I am my own worst enemy, always have been. I expect perfection, I like control, and I am short on patience. Wow, I sound AWESOME don't I??  Ha. Anyway, I don't want to live this life, where I am constantly feeling like I am failing. When one thinks this way, they spiral.  They spiral into a deep hole, and the deeper they spiral the harder it is to get out.

So, I try often, to reign myself in.  This is one of those times.  I have decided that I worry so much about what I am doing wrong, and how it's effecting my kids, that I try harder and then get very discouraged.  Well, what about me??  Why am I not trying harder for me? Thats where it all starts right? This negativity is not helping me, or anyone around me.
If mom ain't happy, nobody's happy.
So, why do we as moms and women neglect ourselves?  For those of you that don't, that have learned this lesson already, please PLEASE share some secrets with me. I on the other hand neglect myself until I have to pull myself out of that deep dark hole....

My BFF Carrie sent me an article that I am going to follow- and I'm also going to add a few additional points of my own. Very simple points, that im sure you've heard before, but sometimes we need reminding. So here is the jist of it:

1) Start thinking of the good things in life.
I look at 3 of those things everyday!  They are the 3 things that drive me mad!  However, sometimes I just need to step back, and breath. Be happy they are healthy, and love me,  and thank the Lord.
I'm going to make a list of 3 things every day, and pin them on my fridge. (I have a daily chart for other things, I can just add this to it! )

2) Use the words "can" and "will" more often. 
This is a big one for me- my son Zane is constantly saying "I can't ..." and my husband just wants to cry.  Well, guess who it comes from?  Without a doubt, its me.  I don't want to pass this along to my sons. So I will stop.  The author says to use the rubber band method- put rubber bands on your wrist and snap yourself each time you use them. Eventually you will want to avoid these words (ie the pain). I guess its worth a shot!! I certainly hear myself say it enough and want to smack myself anyway...

3) Think more about benefits and gains.
This one is not one Ive used much before, and it will also take practice...consistently weigh each action and choice in the light of gains and benefits. If they are huge, or significant enough, go for it.  You will soon find the strength to be the best you can be.  I assume this relates to something like my need to go back to being in my own personal business.  If  the benefits and gains are worth it, I will move forward.

Those are his 3 methods. www.ezinearticles.com, author Daniel J. Thorley.

Now, I plan to add some goals/points to this, relating personally to me. This requires realizing what types of things will help me, in short term and long term.  They could be anything, the possibilities are endless so choose with gusto!

First (and foremost for me):  I am a true believer in exercise and how it effects you mentally, so I am creating my own workout space in our basement that will motivate me!  Quotes, photos, a speaker system incase I wanna take off the headphones, things like that. Exercise helps me feel better mentally and physically and no matter how many times I fall off the wagon, I WILL get back on.  For the betterment of myself and my children.

Second: I am going to forgive.  I have a few things in my life that weigh me down, and make me feel bad. Guilt about failing myself, relationships gone bad; I am going to get rid of those feelings once and for all. I realize that it may take time, but I gotta take the first step right?

Third: show the respect I wish to receive.  I have not been supportive of some of my husbands ventures while I sit at home and lose my mind, but he has always supported and respected me no matter what.  I believe respect is one of the most important things you can give and get in life.

There!  I already feel better!!! Isn't that crazy?? So, I will keep you updated on how this all goes- why don't you tell me your secrets to success as well? I mean, we are in this together right? :-)

Wood Poster completion

Wow- time flies when your having fun. We did so much over the weekend that I'm shocked it's Monday! That included a trip to Java Gym in Grand Rapids- the kids had a ball!  If you live in the area, check it out: www.javagymgr.com
Over the weekend I made a big decision to move my kids playroom and create my painting/project room. They seem fine with it- they tend to have toys everywhere outside that room anyway, so I'm creating the play area out in the main section of the basement instead. So now I can go from office to paint room within a few steps and watch the kiddies the entire time. Very excited about this part. Now I can create smaller projects right in the comfort of my home, not freezing my butt off in the garage. Summer may be different, but for now I'm fired up!
My first completed in-house project is my "wood poster". I love it- not sure it is a true fit in my house at this time, but the concept is awesome. Made with pieces of authentic barnwood, I first took the saw to a few ends, to get them all to approximately the same width. Then I scrubbed the pieces (they were outside at my folks house), and if you want them to lighten a bit just scrub them with some bleach water.

Next up was lining up the pieces how I liked, and picking my phrases. Then I started the stenciling.

Once I got them all done, I distressed a touch with some sandpaper, and then had the husband mount the pieces onto mdf, adding a picture hanger.  You can also just lean the wood poster on a shelf, mantle or dresser, but I made mine extra large, so it was super heavy.  For the sake of the children, it hangs for now :-)
So here is the final product:

I think it turned out well!  I am sure I will create a few of these for the Etsy store too.
What do you think???

Hope you love it, and it makes your Monday even more inspired!