Warning: this is not a "hearts and flowers" post about being a parent

I have hesitated blogging much this week- this has not been one of my "best times in life" lately. I am at one of those points in my life where I am just sick and tired. Maybe it's partially winter blues, maybe It's PMS, whatever it is, I am tired of it. I'm angry, short tempered, frustrated with most things (especially my children and husband) and feeling hopeless. That was partially why I started this blog and am attempting to create a small home based business where I can feel creative again. However, this week I had no motivation and literally felt like I was going to break. I would have preferred to be anywhere but with my family this week. That sounds horrible, and if you've never felt this way, you are a lucky individual. My oldest is trying my patience like no one else. Wetting his pants, not listening, doing the absolute opposite of everything I say to the point where he's just doing stupid things. Spilling food all over the house, plugging bathroom sinks and running water over, swearing (my fault no doubt!!). Again he is sick and not sleeping, the twins either. The twins are fighting constantly. Biting, hitting, pulling hair. Everett is starting his terrible 2 fits a little early, and Tagger is either hanging on my legs screaming or pulling stuff off counters- knives, food, coffee (thank the Lord I have caught most of it before getting it to the edge). Then the new thing is to drink from their sippys and spit it all over. Doesn't matter what's in it. Puddles on the carpet, wood floor, ottoman... Anyway, I felt like I was gonna go off the deep end. I did not enjoy being a parent. I wanted to call somebody to come over and then leave, with no eta to be back. I Locked myself in my bedroom on Monday at least 6 times, and threw something against the wall breaking some wood letters I had hanging. Seriously, scared myself a bit. I wondered what would happen if i decided i didnt want to be a parent and this feeling stuck? Finally, after not speaking with my husband for 3 nights, I asked him to come home early yesterday. He was home by 5:30- I went straight to the bedroom with wine I made him bring home. He fed the kids, bathed the twins, put everyone to bed. I passed out by 8:30 I believe after crying for about 2 hours. Actually was a relief to have him there so I could just sob. Got up this morning at 4:30 to a sick crying twin, and shortly after my oldest was up too. Husband left for work and I got on my workout clothes. When I came out the kitchen was clean. That never happens. Only on my watch. So while I was working out, I thought I felt pretty good today and did not dread the day with my kids. I got some rest and some help. That is when I realized, I need to be selfish. I've felt so bad about doing it, I've actually dug myself into a deep hole and instead of helping, I am hurting my kids. We are not a happy home right now, and that is a very sad thing. There is lots of work to be done; between my husband and I and his work, between my oldest and I and our need to respect each other, between my 3 boys and their need to coincide, but most importantly between me, myself and I. I have always had trouble asking for help- I mean, I'm not weak!!! Why would i need to? Well, I will tell you 4 big reasons why I need to be more selfish, and they are my "boys". I don't enjoy being so angry with my kids, and wanting to escape because I cannot stand the situation I am in. I rather enjoy feeling good and wanting to make my family life better. To do this, I must start with me. My kids are still gonna drive me crazy. Seriously it's exhausting and I sometimes want to say "what the hell is wrong with your head?!" but I really try not to ;-) No matter what, I still turn to my boys and say "no matter what you do, or how mad I get, I love you, and always will". I guess that's a start...

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